Lets see if we can tackle defensiveness from the context of a conversation. Someone is usually trying to protect themselves from feeling a certain uncomfortable way, or from allowing others to view them as a failure or being seen in a negative light. It’s like holding a ‘NO TRESPASSING’ sign in front of you and saying violators will be prosecuted if you cross that line.

When defensiveness is present, what someone is essentially saying is, “Yes, I did that, but let me tell you why or how it’s not my fault”. When the focus of attention is not on them, they don’t feel the guilt or shame that would normally accompany their struggle with personal failure, which at the time, feels like is being pointed out.

Defensive behavior instead gives a person permission to feel angry and self-righteous because someone had the nerve to question their actions or motives. Its quite possible that no one was deliberately pointing out a personal failure, but that is the filter the hearer uses based on personal experiences when they were younger. This could cause great damage in any relationship.

First, the chronically defensive person typically lives in a non-peaceful state and will have emotional ups and downs that accompany the feeling of being a failure. These thoughts and feelings could lead to severe depression.

Our thoughts determine how we feel.  This is a well known fact, but most people aren’t aware of this fact.  Here are a few questions a person could ask themselves when they want to respond out of defense.

1. “what is my head telling me that is causing me to feel like I failed?” You are not a failure, and chances are you haven’t failed from the other person’s perspective, but the idea is in your head and you feel you have to prove it over and over.   This comes from a place of deep unrest that needs healing.

2. “Can I find forgiveness toward that person?”  Finding forgiveness in your heart toward the person who made you feel that way takes courage and strength.  Remembering that they didn’t set out to hurt you, or that they did the best they could with what they were given might help. You aren’t releasing that person for their sake, but for your own peace and freedom.

3.  It is important that you try to remember not to react to what you think you are hearing.   Repeat back to the person what you think they are saying to you.  Example:  “I hear you say that it is my fault that the washing machine broke.” Get clarity before you jump to any conclusions. If someone is blaming you, it would be difficult not to react to them, but it is possible as long as you keep practicing.

Do you have any other ideas or comments on feeling defensive?  What strategies do you use to keep yourself from becoming defensive?  To leave a comment click the word “comment” just under this post next to the teal colored box.