How to Connect in Marriage Without a Hammer and Nail

A client once asked: “How can I get my husband to consider emotionally connecting as a valuable tool to keep our marriage as strong as he keeps his business?”

Lets be clear on emotionally connecting and what it means to most women and to most men:

* Spending time together – listening to music, going for walks, talking, laughing
* Creating a loving environment – eating dinner together, playing games together, talking about things you’re grateful for and include your family members
* Being mentally present – listening to what the other person is saying and affirming what is true for them
* Staying focused on each other – clearly the eyes and ears need to be engaged

* Uplifting each other – asking “what can I do for my spouse today”

All of these can be used to emotionally connect and learn to appreciate one another more. There are numerous verses in the Bible about how we are to treat one another, and if we did what it says, we’d be connecting to people without even trying.

When you set up parameters around your connecting time husbands may tend to feel its too demanding or that you are entitled to have something he isn’t ready to deliver, particularly if you’ve invoked a specific format.

I’m sure she isn’t the only wife to ever have asked this question, and I believe that in general husbands do consider emotional connecting as a very valuable tool. Depending on what they believe about themselves, they might not feel they have the right tools in the tool belt to work out a solution.  They might feel more equipped to handle chopping wood or sitting at the computer screen.

Have you heard the saying when you carry a hammer around everything starts to look like a nail after a while? If a husband doesn’t feel he knows how to connect it’s like using a wrench when a hammer is needed.  Perhaps the more he feels pressured to connect with you, the more he might be tempted swing at you verbally like the hammer would a nail rather than find the right tools to work with.

If resentment has been building in your heart about his lack of connecting emotionally then perhaps start by forgiving your spouse, then be the example of those things mentioned; spending time together, creating a loving environment, being present, staying focused, uplifting each other, asking your self when you wake up tomorrow morning, “What can I do for my husband today that would mean a lot to him?”

If you make these a habit, you will see a much better result in the effort he’ll make trying to reconnect to you. Rome wasn’t built in a day so be patient. He’ll drop the hammer as soon as you stop looking like a nail.

Would love to hear how you keep your marriage strong by commenting below.