Can fear be used as a motivator?  Absolutely!   I recently read that parents use fear tactics as a ‘positive’ motivator to teach their kids to respect them.   I understood their confidence in the statement, but I greatly challenge this idealistic perspective of how we use fear.   Using a negative to try and obtain a positive result seems counterproductive.

I’m not saying these things in judgment of anyone who does use fear tactics.   I used them myself as it was done to me and to my parents by their parents, so how can I judge anyone else?   I am merely pointing out that it is not the highest or best choice for your kids.

Here are a few minor examples of how we use fear.

“If you don’t get that bedroom cleaned I’m going to….”

To what?  What are the next words you’ll use to project in to the air?   Are your words going to be uplifting or creating fear?   Would you like to teach them in a loving way to respect you by giving them a choice instead of providing a threat?  Example:

Choice A: The bedroom gets cleaned and you get to go over to your girlfriend’s house

Choice B: You don’t clean it up and you stay home and work on it again tomorrow

This is NOT difficult, it just takes practice and follow through.

“You get over here right now or you’ll get into serious trouble!”

What does the word ‘trouble’ mean to your kids? Is it a beating, a scolding, put in prison?  Example of Choice:

Choice A: Please come over here and talk to me for 10 minutes to help me understand and you can use the car if I feel it’s appropriate.

Choice B: If you choose not to talk with me then you’ll stay home anyway and we’ll try to talk again tomorrow when we both calm down

And who hasn’t heard this one; “Just wait until your father gets home!”

Ummm…okay…so what happens when he does arrive?  A sword fight?  A knock down drag out?  If not, then why use this threat?

Is it right to instill fear into our kids about their father because you don’t know how to give choices?  How does Dad feel about the fact that you use him as a scapegoat?  Have you ever asked him?  Believe it or not, father’s do this to mother’s as well so there is no bias here.

It takes time to re-learn; to give choices, to create a loving environment, to have joy in your home, but you CAN do it.  By giving choices you will teach your kids what it takes to live like a well-adjusted contributing adult who has to make choices every single day.

I don’t want to use fear as a motivator in this article;  but if more parents understood how to eliminate fear from their own mind then perhaps they could stop the increasing prevalence of teens who commit suicide because of emotional and psychological damage which contributes to low self esteem.

Who am I and what gives me any right to talk about this subject?  I have raised a village of teens over the past 20+ years;  I’ve work with parents and teens as a life coach, particularly those teens who desire to commit suicide for over 5 years.   Do you know why they can’t see beyond their low self esteem?   They live in a world where threats have created their victim mentality.

You won’t know whether or not your teen has thoughts of ending their life because they aren’t about to tell you.   We were not given a spirit of fear as a gift to be passed on from generation to generation.   We were given a spirit of love but we let fear outweigh it.   Our kids need love, not the threat of fear, and that kind of love has to begin at home.

Suggestions:

1.  Acknowledge your own fears first.

2.  Choose not to allow fear to crush your sense of courage; your ability to believe you can make mistakes and still come out on top;  that you are someone who can create love even if it wasn’t exampled to you; that you can seek better ways by learning from others, reading, watching parenting videos, etc.

3.  Choose love as your proactive yard stick.  Measure yourself by asking your son/daughter on a scale from 1 to 10 (ten being most loved) how much do they feel loved by you today.

If you don’t know what is going on in the life of your teen then you may not have the chance to change what could be permanent life-altering damage.  If they fear your reactions then you may never know what’s really going on.  Learn to be someone they can trust.   If I can do it, so can you.

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