Oprah Implores Parents To Understand The RED FLAGS Of Child Molesting
INSIDE THE MIND OF A CHILD ABUSER
This is no one’s favorite subject, but I found this interview to be one of the all time BEST for Oprah. She will be posting this piece on her website but keep reading to find out why it may very well be her most life altering show…
In meeting with four child molesters from different parts of the country, and currently in rehab for child molestation, Oprah is pleading with parents saying “If you can withhold judgment, and really listen to what they are saying, they will teach you how to watch out for them.”
These men, David, Derek, Lee and Robert, openly admitted their offenses. Each of them are human, each of them acted out in a sinful, deplorable manner, and yet each of them are wanting to help save other victims by opening the eyes of the parents who might listen to them.
Will you be one of those parents?
Sexual predators groom their victims. Here is what these four abusers listed as warning signs of a possible situation for grooming the future abuse:
1. Men (or women) spending more time with children than with adults, particularly at a party or gathering.
2. Men (or women) who give massages or back and foot rubs often.
3. Men (or women) who cuddle more than normal.
4. Men (or women) who listen intently to a child to build trust as they would to someone they would want to date.
I have given 5 years of my life to teach others how to connect emotionally to each other as couples, and specifically to their kids. If you understand what is being said by these men, then you will see and hear that this emotional connection can prevent your son or daughter from being a victim.
These men reportedly looked for:
1. Children who need attention and who will trust others to give it and often it’s a relative or family friend.
2. Kids who are angry at their parents and who wanted to retaliate. Kids whose parents are not emotionally connected to them.
3. Kids who would not tell on them because they wanted validation. The men all believed sex will help the child feel better about him or herself and at the same time give them companionship.
These words carry powerfully rich choices for you as parents.
Do you know if you are emotionally connected to your kids? Would you know how, or where, to start being more emotionally connected to them? Most people do not – so you are not alone. This is why I am developing programs to help assist all parents in this way.
Oprah affirmed that sexual abuse “Changes who you are.” There are very few women that I know today who haven’t been introduced to some form of sexual alteration in their life, myself included. The truth is, it isn’t who you are, but it can determine who you become if you aren’t aware of how to move beyond it.
Being afraid is not the same as being aware! Being afraid perpetuates the victim mentality. It is becoming aware, and choosing a destination from a place of logic and compassion that can bring healing. I can’t explain what this means in a short post but I know it is truth.
Dave (one of the abusers) spoke more truth in this one statement that made Oprah feel her 2-hour interview was worth the time. He said, “I killed who she (his victim) could have been. Just because she is walking around doesn’t mean she’s okay.”
As Oprah stated, “When a child is abused it kills their spirit.” This goes for both genders.
We wonder why so many kids are provocative and engaged in sexual promiscuity? Yet if we stopped to find out what happened to them in their past we would no longer wonder. Ask a serial killer why he kills and he will not be able to tell you. Ask him about his childhood and you will find unspeakable atrocities perpetrated against him as a child, only to him it was “normal”.
I say when you learn to love your child, spouse, friend, neighbor, on an emotional and spiritual level you can help lift their spirit beyond victim-hood, beyond what they know to be ‘normal’. To do this takes loving yourself both emotionally and spiritually.
I have a hero. Her family was murdered in front of her eyes and she was raped and tortured for hours at the age of 10. She is my hero because she could have chosen death from paralyzing fear and depression. Instead she has moved beyond fear without letting this situation determine who she is becoming. Her parents were emotionally connected to her before their deaths. I know this because they were good friends of mine and she is now thriving and living again.
So for all the Melissa’s in life, and for all the Oprah’s in life, and for all the Kellie’s in life, seek out ways to be a hero for yourself no matter how old you are. Tell someone if you are facing an abusive situation or have lived with victimization, but more than that we want you to understand something and to say it aloud as often as you need to until you believe it: “IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.”
Please comment and share on Twitter or Facebook so we can encourage all parents to be aware of the importance of being emotionally connected to their kids.
Will you also please visit this site and let me know if you are interested in knowing how to become more connected to your own kids on an emotional and spiritual level?
- 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18. ACE Study – Prevalence – Adverse Childhood Experiences
- 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. ACE Study – Prevalence – Adverse Childhood Experiences
- 1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the internet. Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K., & Wolak, J. (2001, March). Highlights of the youth internet safety survey. US Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
- Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under. Snyder, H N. (2000). Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics. National Center for Juvenile Justice, U.S. Department of Justice
This is very sobering, Kellie, but it’s great that you do not back down from a potentially controversial topic. It’s a good lesson for all of us to see what goes on in the mind of an abuser, even if we really don’t want to know. Thanks for sharing.
Great piece of writing Kellie.
critical info… thanks for sharing this. ~bobbi
Kelly,
Good for you! This so needs to be spoken about. Neighbors and friends in the community need to be aware of the signs as well. In our lovely, family-friendly neighborhood a number of years ago, a man murdered his wife (a friend and neighbor) and his own nine year old son and burned the house down to cover up his crime. My son and the boy were both part of a tight knit neighborhood group of boys who did overnight birthday parties at each other’s homes. As shock and grief went through the neighborhood and community, a picture emerged of a boy who had mysterious accidents when left alone with his father…and his mother always accepted the “accident” explanations. She didn’t believe. She apparently COULDN’T believe that it was possible. The school social worker had also met with the Mom to say that her son was exhibiting some of the signs of child abuse. The Mom (my friend) told a couple of friends about it (not me), and laughed it off. She genuinely, truly, could not believe the evidence that her husband was abusing her son. This did not fit into her world view of what was possible or conceivable.
Hey Kellie- What great information. It’s so easy to just ignore these things because they are horrible and make us uncomfortable, but ignorance is not always bliss. You made so many valid points on being AWARE and really paying attention to what is going on in our lives. Our kids are absolutely priceless and completely irreplaceable. We must guard them with love and we do that by becoming aware, learning, and acting on that knowledge.
Thanks so much for writing this article!
As someone who’s been there, on the receiving end of this… this post brings up so many emotions.
Oprah may have been right in her statement to that particular abuser… however it must say that that statement makes many parts of my psyche rebel against it. Kills the spirit? Damages yes, traumatizes yes, but kills? Not in all cases. In fact, many of us emerge stronger due to trial by hellfire. The things I’ve been through, I’ve not only survived by thrived. Killed… no… not even permanently broken…
I hope this post opens some eyes. I hope its finally the splash of water in the face that so many parents need to open their eyes before its indeed too late. I don’t want to add guilt to what parents go through when they find out their child has been harmed… but too often parents HAVE made mistakes in judgment that led to those actions. Parents are guilty of neglecting the facts more often than not … because they think it could never happen to them… or would never happen at the hands of that particular person. I implore you to OPEN YOUR EYES.
I can tell you personally that some of the most “God-fearing, Respectable, Pillars of Society” according to most in our small town, are the same hands that have pawed more than one child. In fact looks can often be deceiving as offenders often go to great lengths to maintain highly respectable positions in the community and church.
Molested children are abused three times over… once by negligence of of those closest to them… once by the abuser… and a third time by a society that is still both sex and reality phobic. Infact before I could come to fully wrap my head around “its not my fault” I had to first conclude that “society as a whole is stupid”. There are still patterns of behavior in our culture, at least here in America that darn near scream the opposite. It takes an incredible amount of strength and personal backbone and a pretty good amount of spitfire to overcome such a huge obstacle from such a wounded state…
Yet many make it. Many like me have scars but are no longer afraid of our stories. Many go on to hold some of the highest offices, positions, and most respected places of caring for others, that you could imagine. Killed? I think not. Broken… but mend-able…. wounded… yet many heal. And that, my brothers and sisters… is the miracle of strength that is the human spirit.
i found your comments very insightful and encouraging… thank you.
These are the kinds of things we dont want to talk or think about- but we need to. This is info we as parents need to know and be aware of.
Thanks for sharing..
Hi Kellie,
this brings up many memories for me too,
this is a great post and I hope people will understand and be open to your message.
it is easy to blame oneself
Kellie, your post is thoughtful and insightful. Like Oprah, you are willing to tackle the tough and important subjects. Great job!
Hi Kellie,
You’re so inspiring and I appreciate this post that sheds light on the things in our society that we need to deal with and work through to the other side, instead of pushing away. Kids that have been through this need our support and if we can understand it better, maybe we can help in some to see the signs to be able to stop it. Thank you to all the brave and strong souls who have spoken out and inspired others to do the same!
Hi Kellie,
A Beautifully written piece, about a travesty that occurs far more frequently than most would suspect.The chances are great that there is someone in our immediate circle of acquaintances who has suffered at the hands of an abuser.
The story needs to be told… and you’ve done so in such an eloquent manner!
Let us all be sure – that for the sake of the children – we keep a vigilant watch over ALL kids and not be afraid to delicately delve into any situation with the aplomb of a child advocate.
These are scary times and we just need to be aware of so many things. It’s mind boggling at times, and we get so busy with our “real” lives that we’re only too happy to pretend that things like this don’t exist.
Stayin’ in our comfort zone.
It’s really necessary sometimes to get out of it. You’ve helped us out here, Kellie. thanks to you (and to Oprah too)!
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Thank you so much Kellie for this eye opening message for all parents to read. I pray for them to be open to it and take action and save their children from all harm.
I pray for children to be safe all over the world, for they are the victims that pay the price for their parents denials and turn the other cheek as if nothing is going on.
As parents, we know when our children are hurt, so sad to say that some parents aren’t willing to face the facts and think it will stop on it’s own…. I pray that ALL parents understand and will defend their children as a mother bear would protect her cubs….
You and I need to connect as per Kimberly. Let’s do it, we hav a lot to share
{{hugs}}
Lyn-Dee Eldridge CPC, CPMC
http://www.lyn-dee.com